Fantasy Coach Killers: The Angry Missus by the Wizard

Sports Fantasy Pro

Joining us for a series of funny and witty fantasy articles is the Sports Fantasy Pro Wizard, or the SFP Wizard or Mr Wiz for short. He aims to remind you that fantasy footy is meant to be a fun, care-free endeavour, with certain obstacles you must overcome. The first of those, is the angry missus.

With eight sleeps until our NRL Fantasy season is officially launched, The SFP Wizard was brought back from pre-season a little early to bring some laughs to coaches before the game faces go on.

Whether you’re a seasoned fantasy gun or a first year rookie, no coach should begin 2016 without reading our special Coach Killers series.

Somewhat fitting that an hour after The Wiz was told by Mrs Wiz that he needed to ‘coach after the kids go to bed or not coach at all,’ we bring you the first of the series – The Angry Missus!

It is hard to coach a fantasy team at the best of times, let alone when your significant other becomes enraged, annoyed or upset enough that effective fantasy team management becomes at best a version of Russian roulette and at worst completely life-threatening…

COMMON CAUSES

The main and most common cause of The Angry Missus is an untidy house.

We all get a little down in the dumps returning to our castle on a Friday afternoon to find it is a bit of a mess but for WAGS, the discovery of said mess sets off a powerful chain of thought that inevitably leads them to conclude that it is entirely our fault.

Other causes can include a tough day/week of work, your forgetting a key date in your relationship, or random events like a cloudy sky or seeing a blue car while driving home from work.

DIAGNOSIS

Unfortunately, due to the random nature of The Angry Missus, there are few tried and tested universal methods for effective treatment.

Flowers, chores, romance and unashamed apologising have all had varying degrees of success in the past but not one has worked universally (in fact, in some cases these have been known to make things worse).

We here at Sports Fantasy Pro believe the best way for coaches to combat The Angry Missus is through the gathering of good pre-footy intelligence and no small amount of stealth and cunning.

Placing a ‘how are you feeling / what would you like to do this afternoon’ call to your partner on a Thursday or Friday afternoon before leaving work not only works to get you in the good books for your thoughtfulness and caring, but it can give you your best sense of whether you will be returning to a peaceful coaches box or the Gaza Strip.

If you get even a whiff that The Angry Missus may be in play, the first thing you absolutely must do is ensure you do all your fantasy coaching at work or en route to your house (at a mates place, library or side of the road if need be!).

Call it overtime; call it stopping to help an old lady change a tyre, whatever your cover, make sure it is not only plausible but that it cannot be used to fuel The Angry Missus further.

If the worst occurs and you do come home to The Angry Missus unawares, it is imperative that you agree with everything she says until you get undisturbed access to the computer for at least ten minutes.

This really can’t be stressed enough.

No coach can simultaneously coach effectively AND win an argument with their wife, fiance or girlfriend. It just is not possible.

Attempting such folly can lead to mistakes that could cost you (and your beloved team) dearly.

Do not doubt us on this.

It may seem to some seasoned coaches completely possible to cop a spray from the missus and still executive an effective trade or formulate sounds weekend stratagems.

Well approaching the green in a lightning storm from 220 out with a 1 iron is also ‘possible’.

…it is just really dumb.

Few, if any coaches can multitask to this degree and attempting such may leave you losing the fight AND finding you’ve made two ‘angry trades’ which have cruelled your daily challenge, weekend or entire season.

Pick your battles, one by one.

Suggesting that your partner take a relaxing shower while you pour her a drink / check online for a reservation to her favourite restaurant is a great way to get undisturbed and plausible access to your team.

After your team is fit and ready to go for the weekend, it is up to you whether you maintain your ruse of being a nice, thoughtful person and actually make a reservation or whether you instead proceed to win the argument.

The main thing is that this choice is to be made once you are completely happy with your weekend line-up.

Ideally, such a decision should be made post-lockout for it is not beyond The Angry Missus to sneakily switch your Captain to your non-playing bench winger while you’re going to the back fridge to get a beer!

FOOTNOTE – THE CRANKY HUSBAND

There has been increasing empiral evidence to suggest that a growing number of female head coaches also struggle with a similar Coach Killer known as The Cranky Husband.

Sports Fantasy Pro has commissioned a crack squad of investigators to look into this disturbing trend but our interim suggestion to any coaches facing The Cranky Husband is to calm them down by asking for assistance with your team line-up.

Ensure you do this from another room so they don’t see how little you are listening to their suggestions as most of this ‘advice’ will be sheer drivel (let’s face it, women have a far better coaching temperament than men) but it helps men to think they have helped their ‘clueless’ partners to fantasy glory.

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