Current NRL players most likely to message teammates in retirement selling Chakra realignment vitamins

Former NRL player Adam MacDougall and his brand The Man Shake

We’ve seen a host of successful companies started by NRL/ Former NRL players over the past decade.

Brands like The Man Shake, YKTR and Bloke In A Bar are just some of the businesses that have gone mainstream.

It has shown us that guys like Adam McDougall, Denan Kemp and Corey Norman/ Isaac John/James Segeyaro can really innovate and start successful entities.

But we already know of those businesses, I want to talk about what players might look at these guys and think “I can do what they are doing with my knowledge of Chakra Realignment Vitamins”.

Here is my Top 5 most likely current players to become voodoo magic salesmen:

5. Suliasi Vunivalu – Word on the street is once you purchase vitamins off Suli, he will personally come to your house and knee them into your mouth.

Probably one of the most annoying blokes on the footy field and I can only guess he will be one of the most annoying off.

He seems like the kind of bloke to send you an unprovoked message on your birthday wishing you to have a great day and then segway that into a pitch about his ‘new revolutionary medicine’.

There’s plenty of blokes that I hate more than Suli in the current Storm team but with his high percentage of brain explosion, it was too hard to leave him off this list.

Melbourne Storm winger Suliasi Vunivalu

4. Kodi Nikorima – I don’t really have anything negative to say about Kodi’s personality like I do Suli’s.

The problems I have with Kodi come more with the fact he is a glorified bench utility that somehow keeps getting selected for the Kiwis.

It’s more of a vibe but I can just picture Kodi doing some Brad Fittler type relaxation sessions before realigning his chakras.

New Zealand Warriors half Kodi Nikorima

3. Adam Blair – Wow, Warriors back to back, bet you never thought you would hear that.

I think it’s safe to assume that most blokes that get invested in any of these health and wellness schemes have a bossy misso that wears the pants in the relationship and pressures them to use their connections to ‘help people’.

Now, I can’t say for certain that is the case in the Blair household but I have copped abuse from Adam’s partner for commenting negatively online so I can confirm she won’t be backing down anytime soon.

New Zealand Warriors veteran forward Adam Blair

2. Darius Boyd – If pyramid schemes in retirement were contagious respiratory infections, the Broncos 2015 squad would be the Ruby Princess.

I don’t want to continue to thrash Boyd when he cops it left, right and centre but I couldn’t leave him off this list.

We all remember that brief stint Darius spent as a vegan because he watched a documentary on the benefits.

It seems Darius is willing to try anything suggested to him to get better results and I could see him taking this same mentality into retirement.

If I’m being completely honest, I could see him getting positive placebo effects from magic vitamins.

Boyd seems like a nice enough bloke that he would try and share them with the world for $59.99.

Brisbane Broncos utility back Darius Boyd

Honourable Mentions 

Dylan Walker – Not the brightest bulb in the game and he appears to be an anti-vaxxer so he would seem to fit perfectly into this list.

I just felt he was more of a boxing gym owner or Paul Carter vitamin sales kind of bloke.

Ryan Matterson – We already know Matto is a Kevin Durant level snake so he would definitely not look out of place on this list.

I get the impression Matto will have burnt all his bridges in the NRL by the time he retires anyway so don’t know who he would be able to message.

Danny Levi – Nice bloke just gives off a chakra vibe.


1. Bryce Cartwright – Look this shouldn’t shock anyone after Bryce recently had a ‘bad reaction to the flu shot’ and appears to be falling further down the vaccinations cause Autism rabbit-hole.

The likelihood of Bryce sliding into the DMs of former classmates at Patrician Brothers’ College trying to realign their chakras or selling gift certificates to his wife’s Kinesiology business is significantly higher than him making a big defensive play in a Titans game.

I tried not to make an entire list of anti-vaxxers despite the fact there is a clear connection between anti-vax and chakra beliefs.

But I just couldn’t leave Bryce off this list.


Gold Coast Titans back-rower Bryce Cartwright

Follow @ankletapped on Twitter for some more comedic takes.

 

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